The Emperor Has No Cocktail

I’ve already discussed how it’s not cool to hit on your first cousins and pass out at the Thanksgiving table.  The holidays are merely beginning and addicts have a rough Chrisma-Kwanz-Akuh a’comin.  Holidays can be wonderful, festive, and full of love, but they can also be incredibly difficult.  Family is tough.  Even if you adore your family, like I do, there are still issues and sensitivities that will rear their ugly head and have to be dealt with or simply tolerated.  These situations are hard for the average person and equally hard for an addict.  Drinking may have been a way to get through the holidays peacefully, or to facilitate everyone enjoying themselves to the fullest extent.  Either way, being without alcohol is going to be a challenge.  You are relearning how to be in room and be completely vulnerable.  Sometimes it feels like carrying on a conversation without alcohol is like carrying on a conversation buck naked- no barrier between ourselves and the other person.  I feel kinda bad for men who are getting sober because women are conditioned for this- between high heels and ill-fitting pantyhose, we know how to tolerate being uncomfortable.  Sobriety, at first, is more than just feeling uncomfortable- its deeper- more visceral. 

I drank for lots of reasons, but mostly because I only liked myself when I was drunk.  I thought that four drinks “me” was the best version of “me.”  Four drinks “me” looked good in the mirror.  Four drinks “me” was going to write a novel.  Four drinks “me” was hilarious- the life of every party.  There were a lot of problems with that belief, first being that four drinks “me” never stopped at four drinks.  She moved on to ten drinks “me” who was a total shitshow and ruined everything.  The other problem is that I didn’t think other people understood how pathetic and gross sober “me” was.  No matter how many people complained or how many times I was told that my drinking was an issue, I would not believe it.  Didn’t they understand?  Drunk me was the best version of me- the Kara they all wanted!  Even if drunk “me” caused some problems, it was still better than having sober “me” around.  I knew everyone would hate and reject sober “me” because I hated sober “me.”  Have I mentioned before that people in active addiction are irrational?  We are.  But my perception was my reality and so I kept on living that way until I couldn’t anymore. 

It took time, trial and error, but I adore sober “me” now.  I don’t get nervous walking into a room undrunk and I don’t feel naked when chatting-up my uncles.  I do, however, still feel emptyhanded sometimes in a situation where I would have previously been drinking.  That might be the most frustrating part of sobriety- the conditioned thoughts that keep coming back.  I don’t want to drink, I am never tempted to drink, but on rare occasions when I let my guard down, because I am so comfortable being sober, little thoughts like “where’s my drink?” will creep in.  I’ll remember the feeling of condensation streaming between my fingers, or the sour and salt tastes and texture of a rimmed glass.  Those are extremely superficial things to miss in the grand scheme and, luckily, I know that now.  Like I said, it took time but when my mind wanders to “why not have a drink?”  I immediately here Disney Villain laughter followed by “HERE’S WHY NOT…” and a list of reasons shoot through my head like the side effects at the end of a commercial for an erectile dysfunction pill. 

Its taboo to admit but there is a grieving process that goes on in recovery.  Losing alcohol, or losing your drug of choice, feels like losing a best friend.  That substance was your wingman, it was your ride-or-die, it was there for you in the good times and there for you in the bad.  When you were in a situation or a mindset that you didn’t like, you were only one drink, one syringe, one snort away from a different reality.  It may have been a toxic relationship, but in a way, we were in love.  We don’t get consideration or support from others the way we would if we had to let a person go out of our lives the way we let go of our addiction.  Now it’s the holidays and we are going to have to walk into a room of people who are close enough to us that they saw and experienced our epic downfall.  We’re emotionally naked and terrified of what the reception will be.  Guess what?  It will be fine.

Freedom from addiction means freedom from irrational thoughts.  No one has ever died from an awkward situation.  Its irrational to think otherwise.  Its also irrational to keep thinking that the best way to avoid the fallout from your drinking problem is to keep drinking.  Showing up drunk again will keep you from feeling uncomfortable because it keeps you from feeling anything.  Aren’t you tired of that yet?  Isn’t it getting a bit old to be numb all the time?  “Uncomfortable” sucks but at least it’s a sensation.  If it’s the other sensations you miss, pour yourself an ice cold seltzer and toss in some cranberries or other festive shit and roll with it.  Hold a beading glass to keep your hand and your mouth busy while you muddle through a sober evening.  I don’t know why the concept of mocktails make addicts so angry… “Its so stupid! Its not the same!” Well, no shit its not the same.  More of “the same” will have you waking up pantsless in a CVS parking lot.  Again.  Don’t mock the mocktail- you’ll be surprised how much the simple motion of putting cup-to-lips soothes your urgency to seek a real drink.  Frankly, if a mocktail makes you seethe with rage, then you have bigger mental blocks about sobriety that you need to address before a ginger ale can be of assistance.

Despite using it numerous times, I don’t like to make reference to sober “me.”  Its just me now.  The issue of blame, identity, and betrayal will have to be discussed in depth another time, but drunk “me” was a very prevalent person for a long time.  She was mean because she was hurt.  She was sloppy because she was scared.  She was forceful because she was lost.  She slurred because she couldn’t find the right words.  She drank because she didn’t have another solution.  Those problems didn’t disappear just because the alcohol did, and the weight of it is quite a load to carry into a room that I’m already afraid to be in.  I do it anyway.  If I can, you can.  Don’t worry about the things you haven’t let go of, because it is enough just to be sober.  Drinking gave you a false confidence, like the Emperor in his invisible clothes.  You should be able to hold your head higher than you did before because the confidence is real this time.  Even if you are only anticipating the confidence you’ll soon have from sobriety, you can spend a little bit of it now to get you through- just like buying on a credit card.  When the feeling of vulnerability creeps in, just let it wash over you.  You aren’t as exposed as you think you are.  Even so, its better to feel naked than drunk, especially in the presence of people who have seen you naked and drunk.