To the Victor Go the Spoils

For a very short period of time, my Dad coached my sister’s softball team.  It was short because my Dad didn’t enjoy it.  He loved kids, he loved coaching, he loved getting to share pieces of his favorite childhood hobby with my sister and her peers, but he couldn’t stand the other parents.  They were too competitive.  It was a simple little hobby league, all that was at stake at the end of the season was a tournament win and some plastic trophies.  The point of coaching the team was supposed to be to get the kids outside, teach them the rules of a game, and maybe help them develop some good sportsmanship. Instead, my Dad spent every game fighting with other parents, or keeping the parents from fighting with the umpire, who was usually just a slightly older child. The fun of it all was erased by the fact that the grown-ups were more childish than the 8-year-old players.  Once another father came after my Dad with a plate mallet for putting his daughter “too far out” in the outfield, his coaching came to a swift, official end.

Like racism, homophobia, or general hate, competitiveness is something that is taught, not innate in the human psyche.  I don’t think my Dad minded adults behaving like animals, but he did mind them showing their children, by example, that blithering anger was an acceptable way to (not) accept defeat.  By extension, the players were being shown that winning was so important that it was worth fighting and pouting about when it eluded them.  Why did winning matter to them so much?  In that scenario, all that winning meant was that one group of elementary school students were slightly better at hitting  and catching a whiffle ball than another group of elementary school students.  That is about as low stakes as it gets.  All that the angry parents accomplished was to set a weird precedent that its important to better at something than someone else.   However, in the reality of adulthood, its honestly not that fucking important. 

It bothers me that “victory” and “competition” are linked to one another.  Out in the world are a bunch of former little league players who think that, in order to be victorious, they have to defeat someone else.  That idea is so morbidly unhealthy that it makes my skin crawl.  Not only is it unhealthy, but social media has exacerbated our conditioned competitiveness to a high degree of obsession.  I have a friend who has everything she ever wanted- a gorgeous home, a loving spouse, a successful career, supportive friends, annual fabulous vacations… but she frequently has to make herself cancel her social media accounts because everyone else’s boasted-about lifestyles make her feel inferior.  We are sitting here questioning our choices because we have front row seats to everyone else’s choices and we don’t know whose are better.  Its like the proverbial tree in the forest- if it falls and no one hears it, does it make a sound?  If I had a happy moment in my life, but I didn’t post a picture of myself smiling in the moment, was I really happy?  We were taught that winning was important, but now we have no way of knowing if we are winning in this constant competition or not.

The thing about recovering from addiction, mental health problems, or both, is that, somedays, your greatest victory is that you continued to inhale and exhale for 24 hours.  You are busting your ass to do something that other people do naturally.  Its not hard to get out of bed in the morning, but if you suffer from bouts of crippling depression, it can feel equivalent to scaling Annapurna.  Sadly, there is no place for these kinds of wins on social media.  It would be humiliating to make your facebook status: “Got out of bed this morning! (Prayer hands emoji).”  I’m not going to put myself next to someone on Instagram who just bought a beach house by posting a picture of myself side-eying a bottle of vodka with the caption, “Not today, Satan.”  Its sad because, for someone who struggles with addiction, those are wonderful, celebratory accomplishments.

Let’s take addiction out of this for a minute, because what we are really talking about is being victorious and that’s a universal human concept.  Hemingway said, “there is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man.  True nobility is being superior to your former self.”  Let that sink in.  It doesn’t matter if you like or dislike Hemingway, the man had so much insight into reality that it killed him.  People have this idea that victory always comes at the end of a race and it is adorned with ribbons and flowers, the champagne gets popped, someone gets doused in Gatorade, and the spectators go wild.   Real victories occur in the moments when there are no spectators- just you alone with yourself, doing the courageous thing.  Courage rarely involves slaying a dragon and more often involves planting a seed that will grow slowly over time, knowing you will have to wait patiently for the pay off.  The only way to nurture that seed is to be in a constant competition with yourself to be better every single day. 

So, maybe competitiveness isn’t such a terrible thing when it is applied to the right places.  In a way, addicts have it easy because our route to bettering ourselves is laid out for us: Step one- don’t drink or use.  Step two- continue being an alive person.  End of steps.  For most people, those big/little victories are label-less and elusive.  Maybe you finally quit that reliable career that you hate and start down a new path.  Maybe you start making meditation part of your day even though you hate to sit still.  Maybe you start feeding your body meals that are healthy and delicious instead of photogenic.  Maybe you remove yourself from social media and stop suckling at the teet of constant validation.  While I don’t think “victorious” and “competition” go well together, I think that “courageous” and “terrifying” frequently do.   Remember that everyone who appears to have the perfect life is hiding something unpleasant from the rest of the world.  It’s easy to do when you’re only posting pictures of your home décor.  I don’t know about you, but if someone is going to comment on my life, I’d rather them say, “Wow.  She’s courageous,” rather then, “Wow. Nice living room.”

I’m happy for people who are perfectly happy with their lives, but I think they are few and far between and I’m personally not there yet.  Most of us still have a lot of work to do before we reach the winner’s circle.  Being a winner doesn’t involve anyone else but you.  If you are living your life and still have hopes, dreams, and goals to achieve and you make small strides every day, that’s what winning looks like.  Hemingway also said, “man was not made for defeat.  A man can be destroyed, but not defeated.”  In my opinion, defeat can only occur if you accept it.  If you have been destroyed but you are getting out of bed in the morning, then you haven’t been defeated.